July 23rd, 2020: In Search of Forgiveness
Someone asked me recently about "forgiveness." This friend of mine
has gone through a horrific personal experience with someone she was not
supposed to have a relationship with. She kept that as a secret from
many people and myself included. The person whom she saw just decided he
didn't want that anymore. She told me she feels so "dirty, betrayed and
violated." Her reaction is one that fills with negative emotions,
mental anguish, and spiritual confusion. She also knows that she has
betrayed herself and her understanding of what is good and right. It was
not a fling. It was a long term relationship she had with this fellow.
I
asked her whether she was asking about forgiveness for herself, the
fellow, or both. She didn't answer right away. The final answer was
"both" eventually.
How can we forgive
ourselves? The first step is to acknowledge that we made a mistake. If
we cannot name the problem, we cannot find a solution. It will be best
that we are honest with our mistakes before we can talk about
forgiveness. We also need to explore what we have learned about
ourselves, and then how restoration is going to look like for us. It is
the outcome of forgiveness.
The next step is to
have the courage to name the consequences of our actions toward God and
those people whom we hurt. It is about coming to terms with the
seriousness of what happened. It is not an isolated action. There are
always chains of reactions in all directions. My friend broke down when
we went through this process together. When she was able to come terms
with her actions, she was mentally and emotionally unable to function
and to explain herself.
The next step is even
harder. It has to deal with the belief that we can be forgiven and learn
to forgive ourselves eventually. It has to do with trust and humility.
We need to trust that when we are willing to confront our own mistakes
and make the decision to turn away from our old ways, God is gracious in
forgiving us. Forgiving ourselves is another story. It requires
humility to be accountable to some people so that we can make better
choices in the future. As we learn to do that, we will learn to forgive
ourselves.
Psalm 51 (1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 11, 12)
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
...
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me
